Sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is a powerful force that enriches their marriage and helps to bonds them together for life. But in many marriages, it can also be a destructive force, causing great pain and resentment, and even contributing to the failure or the marriage. Add to that the fact that nearly all problems in a marriage will effect sexual intimacy in one way or another, and sex becomes the one area of marriage where we have the most to gain, and also the most to lose.
Below is a list of 7 mistakes that can not only damage your sex life. Most of them, if left to fester over time, can also destroy your marriage.
Using Sex to Punish or Reward
Though this is common in most marriages on some level. This practice is not healthy, and in fact can be extremely destructive to a marriage. Often the spouse with the lower sexual desire is guilty of using sex to punish their spouse or manipulate them in order to get their way. This behavior forces the spouse with the higher sexual desire into a pleaser or avoider roll, as they try not to upset their spouse and become cut off sexually. Something else that falls into this category, is promising your spouse sexual intimacy and then not following through for one reason or another.
Overlooking the Importance of Sex in Your Marriage
A fulfilling sex life and the increased intimacy that comes with it, is extremely important to our marriages. While it’s possible for a marriage to survive without it, I personally don’t believe it’s possible for a marriage to thrive without it. In my own marriage, when sexual intimacy with my wife is hitting on all cylinders, life just moves along easier. We get along better, argue less, and in general are happier. I’ve heard it said that Sex is the lubricant that makes our marriages move along easier. From my experiences in my own marriage, I would say that this statement is dead on.
Rushing Through Sex
Quickies are great, and should be a part of every married couple’s sexual menu. There’s just something about the passion and intensity of a spur of the moment quickie that I love. But to me, the quickie is mostly physical, with little emotional intimacy and connection with my wife that I crave. Limiting your sexual intimacy menu to rushed quickies, or entering into sexual intimacy being focused on the climax, will rob you and your spouse of the intense emotional connection that you can experience through slowing down, and fully experiencing a love making session.
Pushing Your Spouse out of Their Comfort Zone
Sexual intimacy is the ultimate expression of love between a husband and a wife. Nothing messes this up more than forcing your spouse to do something sexually that they are uncomfortable with, or performing acts that degrade or humiliate them. Just as sexual intimacy can bring you and your spouse together both physically and emotionally, forcing your spouse to perform sexual acts against their will can drive you and your spouse apart, and damage your relationship more than you can imagine. It also goes against the very reason we make love to our spouse, which is to show our intense love for our spouse through making love and by providing them with the intense pleasure that accompanies it. Taking things slow and being respectful to our spouses during sex will build trust and yield huge benefits in our marriages.
Acting Lazy or Being Selfish
Ideally, making love involves both spouses pulling out all the stops to bring each other great physical pleasure, while connecting on a deep emotional level. The process breaks down when one or both of them refuse to give freely of themselves for the benefit of their spouse. And while there will usually be times when we will choose to put our needs aside and serve our spouse sexually, expecting nothing in return. It becomes a serious problem when this becomes the norm, or it becomes expected. Over time, anger and resentment will develop on the part of the serving spouse, eventually causing them to no longer desire sex.
Don’t Assume Your Spouse Knows What You Want
Your spouse cannot read your mind, and what made you feel Oh so good last time, might not be the hot ticket next time. So unless your spouse gets lucky, they are not likely to know exactly what you need in sex unless you tell them.
Bottom line, ask for what you need, because your spouse has no way of knowing what causes you the greatest pleasure unless you tell them. It may be as simple asking them to speed up or slow down, a little left or a little right. Another option is to physically guide them in how or where to touch you, and with how much pressure.
Take the time to explore and learn each other’s bodies. It may take some time, but I guarantee it will not only be fun, but will eventually lead to spectacular sex.
Though stereotypically this is a something associated with women. In past years, more and more men are also becoming sexual refusers, and putting off their wives sexual advances. While we obviously can’t expect our spouse to submit to our sexual advances each and every time, hearing the word no more often than we hear yes, causes anger and resentment on the part of the spouse being constantly refused. In many cases this can lead to infidelity, and even divorce.
I would say to the refusing spouse. I understand that you are not often in the mood for sex. But Instead of just telling your spouse no. Tell them, that while you’re not currently in the mood for sex, you’re open to them trying to get you in the mood.
And to the spouse being refused. While we often tend to lay the blame for sexual refusal and other issues within the marriage, at the feet of the spouse with the lower sexual desire. Often times the person we should be blaming is our self. In my own marriage I caused many of the problems myself by pursuing my wife only when I desired sex, and ignoring her need for emotional connection through conversation. When I corrected this problem and started giving her the emotional connection she needed, she eventually started giving me the physical connection I needed. It just goes to show, that often our problems are self-inflicted.